Underneath
My thirties have been a time of growth in so many ways. Mostly in that I’ve grown tired – tired of trying to make myself less, tired of trying to learn the rules to games I don’t even want to play, tired of letting fear control me, tired of seeing people pretend not to need one another, tired of feeling disconnected, tired of the masks and keeping people at arms length, tired of everyone acting like they’re okay when they’re not, tired of playing by the rules when the rules aren’t fair, tired of being mislabeled – and tired of caring about said labels. I’m just tired of it all. So I’ve spent the last few years trying to find out who I am underneath it all and who I want to be. I’m trying to bring my whole self into the light.
You guys, I am sensitive to my core – sometimes I think I’m just a walking emotion. And because the world has never had much time for emotions, I learned to tuck the aching edges of my heart away. I learned to smile through the pain. I learned to believe the lie that I was much more valuable to people if I was positive – even better if I could make them laugh. I spent so much time trying to be useful and avoiding being “needy.” I hid away the sadness and the loneliness I felt. But in doing that, I denied my own needs. I held people away when I ached to pull them tightly in. I minimized myself to the point that I lost touch with who I am.
But I’m not so lost anymore. When I’ve peeled back the layers to find my truest self, I’ve found my sensitivity is my strength. That aching to draw near to others is the natural inclination of my heart. I used to think that my emotions made me messy but as Glennon Doyle Melton put it, “I understand now that I am not a mess, but a deeply feeling person in a messy world.” I believe that we literally exist for one another. We were built hardwired for connection so its no wonder that I felt broken when I tried to go without it – that you feel broken when you try to go without it. I’ve learned that I’m not very good at small talk because it feels a bit like splashing in the shallow end when I just long to dive into the deep. I prefer one on one conversations to group situations because it always seems to allow for people to more freely show up as themselves – the people they are underneath. And quite honestly, its those tiny glimpses that I live for.
So I’m trying to live my life in a way that allows my insides to align with my outside. I want to be my underneath self all the time. I want for everyone to be able to be their underneath self all the time and to find they are safe and loved at their core. In the song Love Someone by Lukas Graham, he says, “When you love someone, you make room.” And I’ve learned that to make room for others, we have to be vulnerable enough to make room for ourselves. So, I’m growing more comfortable with discomfort. I’m feeling the fear but saying the thing anyways. I’m showing my heart even when it puts me at risk of seeming weird. I’m reaching out, even when I feel others pull away.
Sometimes existing as my whole self in this world feels a bit like showing up without my skin. I feel raw and vulnerable and exposed. I worry about being misunderstood and feel terrified every minute. But I’d rather exist raw and terrified and wounded than lock the real me away again – behind walls of my own creation. I’d rather risk it all for a chance at connection than remain safe but alone. So here I am, friends. You don’t have to pretend anymore. You don’t have to follow the rules. You can show up as your underneath self and know that I will spend my life making room for all of you.