Living Loved
Yesterday, I was chatting with a friend. That’s usually where most of my self-reflection begins – when talking with people I trust and respect. We were discussing over-thinking (my specialty, thank you very much) and my friend shared that overthinking is often associated with 2 things – control and confidence. So we jumped right into brainstorming where my overthinking comes from. I leaned towards the need to feel as if things are in control – I notice that when I get snappy or irritable that I can usually look beneath that to find that something in my life feels a little out of control. My friend asked if my control issues (no beating around the bush here) stem from my confidence – whether I need to have control for fear of being judged.
C’mon guys, all this work I’ve done to overcome this crap and here it still is. Yes. I fear being judged. I shared with my friend how I love to be liked but I also won’t sacrifice parts of my identity in order to please others – in other words – I really want to be liked but liked as I am. I also HATE (with a passion) being misunderstood or when people make assumptions about me. To which my friend responded with a biting question. Our conversation went like this…
Friend -“Why does people making assumptions about you make a lick of difference in your world? Why does people liking you control how you act at all?”
Me- Mindblown. “My questions exactly.”
Friend – “Well there is the confidence part again.”
Me – “To be fair…I consider myself to be a pretty genuine and authentic person…so even as I care about being liked…I don’t let that desire dictate my actions. It’s more of an internal battle.”
Friend- “If it’s happening internally, it is affecting you. Internal pressures are the strongest pressures.”
You guys. What in the actual hell. I have truly incredible friends and family who’ve seen me stripped down to my naked soul. They have legitimately seen the ugly bits – they’ve seen me in moments of anger or bitterness. They’ve seen me in confusion and times of selfishness. They have seen me when hurts from my past rise up and cause me to act in less than stellar ways. And they love me through it. They love me at my core.
Why then do I care what anyone else thinks about me? Why do I allow the fear of stranger’s assumptions, as my friend said, make a lick of difference in my world?
I think the simple answer here is that I just really love people. I have such a huge desire for every person on the planet to feel loved. I believe we literally exist for one another. And I just have this obscene amount of affection that needs to fall somewhere. I look at everyone around me and I see potential. I see a person who is worthy of that affection. Every single person I meet is an opportunity for relationship – a possibility for community. And with that comes fear. If they perceive me as weird or if I come on too strong, the possibilities disappear.
So much for being authentic. Friends, I’ve been alternating between being boldly myself and hiding away. There is still a piece of me that retreats when fear rises up. There is still a part of my tender heart that wants to run like hell lest I reveal myself to be too…like me? It’s absurd. I don’t want to be trapped anymore in this ridiculous cage of my own making. I don’t want to restrain my heart.
I have spent too much time striving for love rather than living as loved. My faith and my people show me that I am loved abundantly right down to my broken bits. I fiercely believe that there is something of God in everyone we meet. And while I readily see that in each of you – while I wholeheartedly and yes – sometimes intensely believe that each of you is worthy of love – especially at your tender core, I guess I still sometimes fear that I am not. And that’s a whole other bag to unpack. But here’s where I’m at today. I want to live loved.
I want to live a life of freedom. I don’t want to apologize anymore for the weight of my love. You guys, there are so many things that are heavier to carry than someone’s affection. I want to show up in my life as my whole self. I want to tell that inner voice that tries to reign me back into a tidy envelope to tear it at the seams. I don’t want to care about other peoples assumptions – at least not those of people who haven’t proven themselves as caring voices of wisdom in my life. I want to turn down the volume of those who mock or belittle me and crank it up for those who know me fully.
I want to live the life I so desire for each of you – a life loved. I’d like it even more if we could journey together. How are you holding yourself back today? How can you practice showing up for yourself? How can you live loved? Let’s start now.