Nicole Kropf

I recently attended a women’s event and as I was chatting with a friend she expressed some discomfort because certain people who were also there made her feel judged for and trapped in her past. Why do we do this? Why do we so often hold people captive in the hardest or worst moments of their lives?

This makes me so very sad. This woman as I know her is truly lovely. She is kindhearted and encouraging and she is constantly trying to spread positivity to the world around her. I hate that her beautiful heart is trapped in the difficult moments from her past because of the judgement of others.

But I also feel sad for those who have put her in a box and discarded her. You see, they are missing out on the incredible pieces of her heart. It’s such a shame because I have no doubt that if they opened up that box and took the time to understand, they would be so richly blessed by her caring nature.

This whole exchange resonated so deeply with me because probably the thing I HATE most is the feeling of being misunderstood. I am so much more than your perception of me in any given moment and yet I care so deeply about how I am perceived. So when you write me off or make a wrongful decision about WHO I AM based off of a momentary glance, it hurts. And yet, I too have been guilty of locking people away in their uglier moments.

Think about the worst choice you’ve ever made or a really intense and difficult time in your life. Would you like to be forever taken hostage by that period of time? Would you be cool with people judging the entirety of your character based on that one choice or that one messy period of your life? I sure wouldn’t. We are more than our messes. So much more.

Judgement builds bars around others, locking them in their shame. Grace sets people free.

In the Bob Goff book Live in Grace, Walk in Love, that I’m currently reading, Bob writes, ” When I see someone lashing out in anger, I’m only seeing the half they’ve disclosed in their big show of frustration. What I don’t see is the thing underneath the waving arms, the raised voice, and the grimace. In the moment it’s hard to see the other half – the beautiful and loving and terribly insecure person who is the other half buried underneath. When someone is incredibly kind or generous, that’s not the whole story either. There’s another half to see. Perhaps it’s trying to receive validation from someone who withheld love. Maybe there is some deep hurt only they know. It could just as easily be that they had experienced extravagant love and wanted to pass some along. When we’re tempted to judge someone for their behaviour or think that other person has it easy or all together, put on an eye patch to get some much needed perspective. You’re probably only seeing half- and that’s rounding up.” 

There is always more to the picture than we can see. There is always more to the person than we can process. I don’t want to be a jailer holding people prisoner. Do you? Wouldn’t life be so much better if we gave people the same grace that we require to experience freedom?

If you lock me away in the worst and ugliest moments of my life, you will never get to experience the incredible parts – just as the women who’ve trapped my friend in her past are missing out on her glorious present. I don’t want to miss the best parts of  a person because I am so busy holding them hostage in their past. So I’m choosing to be a freedom fighter. I’m choosing to tear down the strongholds in my mind that have others locked up tight. I’m choosing to believe that there is better in them. Just as I know there is better in me.

It seems to me that grace is the key. And couldn’t we all use just a little more of that?