Nicole Kropf

She sits in the sun and while the rays feel warm around her, inside of her mind live only dark clouds.

She spends her days trying to pour onto others all that she’s starving for.

She lives with the truth that she is forgettable, unimportant, unwanted. Though, it’s a lie, right?

Apart from her work and her family, most days go by with little if any contact with anyone. The people she loves the most don’t seem to notice when she isn’t there. She briefly wonders if she is unknowingly invisible when she isn’t directly in front of you.

She takes chances with her heart; believes in people as much as she believes in God. But at the end of the day, when there’s no one else, at least God remains.

The voice in her head tells her that no one cares. And maybe the voice is right. Even when she gives away the best parts of herself, she’s unwanted. The people walk away. She wonders if there is something fundamentally wrong with her. There must be. It’s the only obvious answer.

Her heart speeds up. Her hands get shaky. She thinks of all the ways she is alone. She asks herself what else she has to give – maybe if she continues to empty herself out – maybe when she’s given every last breath within her, she will finally be loved.

She clings to old letters and long ago mementos that assure her that somebody has cared for her – at one time or another. It’s the little things after all that matter the most.

She allows herself to feel sad. She has to let the pain out so it seeps through her eyes leaving salty trails down her cheeks. She tastes her own loneliness.

She’s sure that her online presence makes everyone believe that her life is peachy. And isn’t it true that she has all she’s ever wanted? She sees the heavy things that those around her face and she returns to gratitude. How dare she feel anything less than joy. What a jerk she is for wanting more.

And round it goes. Moments of joy overshadowed by the depth of her aloneness. And yet, she strives. She finds the strength to believe that what God says about her is true – that she is beloved, delighted in. She knows that a life well lived will be one lived for others. So she will continue to try to see beneath the surface of those around her. She will attempt to bring light and love with her as she walks into each life. She will keep trying to give to others the answer that she’s spent her life looking for – You matter, exactly as you are. And by golly, the world is so much better with you here, my love.