Nicole Kropf

I fall in love with people hard and fast. I almost constantly feel like I have to hold myself back and dial it down. I’ve frequently wondered if I feel things deeper than most. I also feel the need to consistently clarify that when I say love – I don’t mean it romantically. That part of my heart is reserved for my husband alone. But here’s the thing – his love alone is not enough for me – nor is mine for him. We will never find every last one of our needs, desires, challenges, encouragement, and support in one person alone.

A friend once referred to me as a collector of people. But it’s not so much that I collect people and more that THEY capture MY heart. 

When I say I fall in love hard and fast, I mean that in more of an admiring, appreciative, fascinated, and hungry kind of way. I fall in love with the kindness in someone’s eyes, the way they show their passions, the stories they tell, the songs that they sing. I’m hungry for more of their spirit. I want to know what makes people who they are. I want to know their favourite things and also what irks them. I want to know what people do when they are alone in the darkness and the ways they chase the light. I’m not content with knowing only the surface of a person, I literally long to know the depths of their soul. 

That’s a little scary to admit in such a public forum. It’s scary because I know that this maybe isn’t the norm. Or at least admitting it isn’t. But I’m just so tired of pretending and putting on face. I’m tired of trying to reign myself in to make my too-big heart seem a more acceptable size. I’m literally exhausted from the effort.

I’ve spent a lot of years trying to neatly tuck away the corners of my emotion – lest my passion for people make anyone the least bit uncomfortable. I’ve wasted years worrying that I’ll scare people away. I’ve felt like I don’t quite belong in this world. I’ve known loneliness in ways I can’t even begin to articulate. Because I love others so deeply, because people effect me in such a way, I continually question my worth when I feel like they aren’t as effected by me.

I’m sick and tired of how the world has made me feel like I’m simultaneously too much and not enough. I’m fed up with the narrative that caring makes us weak. I’m just done with the constant demand that we bind up our emotions and that we build up walls to keep others from getting too close. I’m done believing that I am the problem.

I think we were made for loving one another – literally built for connection. I think the reason I’m uncomfortable in the shallow waters of conversation is because I know the riches of the depths. I know that what we hold closest to our hearts is what matters most. I want to know what matters to you…and why. I want to care for those riches that you tuck away. I want you to know that you can lay out every broken piece of your heart and still be loved. There’s beauty in our brokenness. There’s a message to be found in the messiest bits of our lives. And at the risk of sounding cheesy, I believe the key to it all is love.

I know I am at my best when I feel loved. I think we all are. If we can show our naked and dirty soul to someone and still be loved, fear loses a foothold in our lives. If we can do the work of loving someone in their brokenness, courage can take root. Growth is a natural byproduct of love. You can’t have one without the other.

My dears, I want to grow. And I want to be loved. But more than that, I want to be allowed to glimpse your heart where it’s tender and to whisper healing words to your hurting soul. I want you to let the walls crumble a little and know that I would never do anything to intentionally hurt the precious treasures they hide. I want us to love one another enough to lift each other from the mud and the muck of life. I want to  let it be ok for us to need and depend on one another.

I want to fall in love with the kindness in your eyes. I want to laugh at Your ridiculous jokes. I want to cry weighty tears together when the waves of life are nearly too much to bare. I want to witness  you falling in romantic love, or staying in love, or being entirely loved all on your own. I just want to be with you. I want to give you the best parts of myself but also be able to let my messy bits show. I just want to love you exactly as you are, with my whole heart, exactly as I am – even at the risk of seeming weird.

Can we just grow, already?