This One’s for the Boys
Growing up, I had some incredible, steadfast, loving, and kind female friends. I’m not exactly sure when my main circle switched from being mainly female to largely male but I suspect it was around the time I was picked on by many of the girls at my school. Grade 7 and 8 were tough ones for me and because of that I think i unconsciously decided that girls couldn’t be trusted.
Don’t get me wrong, I always had female friends but I found navigating those relationships a lot more difficult than my friendships with guys. In grade 9 I developed close friendships with boys from many different circles. I always had someone to walk to school with and I frequently was included in after school adventures. My guy friends made me feel safe and valued in a way that only a handful of girls had done. I even recall a handful of my guy friends walking over an hour out of their way one midnight just to make sure I arrived home safely. I found that when my little teenage heart asked if I had any worth at all, my guy friends were the ones who made me hear a resounding, “Yes!”
Throughout high school, I remember vividly feeling that it sucked to be, “always the friend, never the girlfriend.” It wasn’t until recently – looking back upon my life thus far that I was able to see the incredible value that those years of male friendship had in my life. I connected with guys a lot easier because I found I didn’t have to guess at what they were thinking or try to read between the lines. Generally, they called things as they saw them. The bold honesty of my male friends was such a gift because when I was trying to figure out who I was, I had people telling me how they saw me. I was surrounded by smart, trustworthy, funny, and talented young men and for some reason, they saw something in me worth hanging around. When you are developing your identity, there are few things more inspiring than friends who already seem to have confidence in who they are. My closest male friends lived life in the open. They didn’t seek constant validation from their peers and instead believed in themselves. These were the people who taught me that the only thing I needed to be was…well, myself.
When I was 15, I attended camp (as I had many a summer with one of my long-time female friends) and it was there that I met two of the most incredible boys. One of these boys became a fast friend. He had such an open and welcoming spirit and really inspired me with his authentic and easy appreciation for everyone around him. The other one, I refer to as my first love…it wasn’t really love, of course…but to my young heart, it was the first truly validating, heart-thrilling little romance that I’d had. This boy was tall, dark, and handsome, indeed! But he was also quirky, and funny, and so beautifully comfortable in his own skin. His kind heart was an incredible gift to mine. This boy wrote me the sweetest, funniest, loveliest letters. At one point he even wrote me a poem which was equal parts charming and hilarious. He taught me that my heart was a worthy pursuit and in doing so gifted me with high expectations for any future romances. These boys added more pieces to my growing identity. One inspired in me a desire to be more open and welcoming, and the other taught me that there was loveliness within me and encouraged a quiet confidence to walk my own way.
Fast forward with me to my adulthood. When I started dating my now husband, I was exposed to a massive community that I hadn’t known existed – the Canadian paintball community. I came to find myself surrounded by, you guessed it, more boys. Somehow, I found myself “coaching” from the sidelines while somehow being coached in life. These boys and young men accepted me without question. Though we were from many different walks of life, we found common ground in the simple fact that we were a paintball family. I owe a large portion of my identity to these men. These were the people who loved me and yet also challenged me by asking hard questions and revealing to me my own prejudices. They helped me correct some of the uglier bits of my heart while also leaning in to my thinking and seeking out my advice on life. We had a symbiotic relationship that allowed all of us to grow. I still love every one of these guys massively and would be there for them in a heartbeat, as I know they would for me also.
Early in our marriage, we shared a home with two of our paintball friends and we continually had any number of young men crashing on our couches each weekend. This awakened the hostess in me and I often woke early to prepare pancakes for my boys. It really felt like family to us. These guys were the first to recognize my hunger for writing and encouraged me to start a paintball blog. We spent many late nights discussing the inns and outs of the sport and they encouraged my ideas and helped sharpen them. They showed me the value of faith and encouragement because of their belief in me and willingness to support my efforts. I’m indebted to every single person who leaned into the idea of a paintball wife writing about the sport. While my writing has taken new direction, I doubt I would’ve had the confidence to continue without their early enthusiasm and reassurance.
Nowadays, people are often surprised by my close relationships with men other than my husband. Thankfully, Travis knows my heart. He knows my history and trusts my motivations. We have a system in which I frequently check in with him about my male friendships – he comes first and he knows that if at any point he wasn’t comfortable with the depth of my friendships, I’d call them off. I say all of this because I can’t tell you the number of times people have whispered negativity at me for having any male friendships at all that don’t hinge entirely on Travis’ participation in the relationship. I no longer care to justify my love for others to anyone outside of my marriage but for the sake of this post, I feel you should all know that my husband is a good man who knows my heart and trusts me to make the right call.
One of my most recent, treasured friendships called me out of a period of loneliness and gave me direction when I was feeling lost. This friend saw me straight through to my heart. He recognized the good parts and supported me through the crappy bits. We did this for each other. One of the things he frequently said to me was, “I got you!” And he did. I trusted those words when I felt insecure and uncertain about where my life was going. They were a lifeline in a time when my world felt small and uncomfortable and when I felt simultaneously not enough and too much.
Those three simple words, “I got you” ring true for every close male friendship I’ve had. That’s why this one’s for the boys. It’s for every single boy or man who made me feel safe. It’s for every one who believed in me before I believed in myself. It’s for those who supported me and those who taught me how to love and be loved. It’s for every boy or man who has blessed my life with friendship and in so doing, guided me to myself. This one is for the boys because I tend to believe that love shouldn’t be withheld based on gender. The men who’ve played important roles in my life have birthed my spirit and taught me courage. These friendships breathed fire into my belly and showed me how to walk apart from the crowd. And in the moments when my flames were in short supply, they simply said, “I got you!”
Here’s to the boys!