Enough
Friends, I have this deep desire for peace. When things are out of order or life is unpredictable, my anxiety rises high. And when my anxieties are alive and strong, that tends to come out as frustration and even anger. It’s as if when things are out of sync around me, that seeps into my soul too. Chaos breeds chaos. Fear breeds fear. When the world is hurting, my heart breaks and I feel helpless because I know I can’t fix all of the problems in the world. It all feels too much to bear. When my family is hurting, Lord, this mama is a disaster. I’m pretty good at being calm in an emergency when it’s not my emergency. But little things feel like very big things when they involve my babies.
Back in the fall, my boy Ollie hit his head at school. He was bleeding pretty good and the school was worried about concussion. I went into chaos mode trying to figure out what to do. I had a house full of kids and couldn’t go pick him up. Daddy was at work and needed to square some things up before he could get away. Both of our parents were away. I felt so helpless. I just wanted to get to my boy and scoop him up and I couldn’t and I didn’t have a plan in place for a situation like this. Thankfully, my dear friend came through and went to pick my boy up from school and bring him home to me until Daddy could get home and one of us could take him to be seen by a Doctor. You guys. This whole time, I was feeling flustered and anxious. I was teary and angry at myself that I wasn’t better equipped. I felt like a terrible Mom. Oliver came home his happy self hand-in-hand with my darling friend. We had him seen by the Doctor and he assured us that there were no signs of a concussion and cleared little dude to return to life as usual. And he did.
But I didn’t. Every time the child so much as moved, my mind went into panic mode. What if he hits his head again? They say the second hit is worse than the first. What ifs swirled in my brain until I felt like I was drowning in them. Sending him back to school was terrifying because I suddenly imagined every possible thing that could go wrong in that time and now I was abundantly aware of how ill prepared I was for emergencies. But I also knew I couldn’t show any of this. I had to hold it together and be calm and composed so that He would be able to carry on as normal. I think by this point in life, most of us are very aware that what we see on the outside doesn’t necessarily reflect what’s happening on the inside. I played the role I was supposed to play – happy, encouraging mama – waving and blowing kisses to my boy as he hopped into his seat on the bus and cruised away. Inside, I felt sick to my stomach. I held back tears. I told myself that fear is a liar and that there was no reason to worry until there was a reason to worry. But of course, I worried anyway.
When I evaluated my feelings further – asking myself why this incident had shaken me so significantly, I realized that it was because this one bump on the head made it so abundantly clear that I am not enough.
The number of times on the daily that I tell my kids to “be careful” is astounding. I do it because I love them and I want to protect them. But the reality is that I am not only vastly under-qualified as a protector, I am also abundantly incapable of such. Having children has opened my eyes to how little control I actually have over anything.
The “I am not enough!” line has been a chorus in my life for as long as I can remember. And almost every time it has played over me, guilt and shame have come dancing into my mind with their heavy, clumsy feet. Lately though, as I’ve spent more time sitting with this feeling of being not enough, the reality of this truth has pointed me to the one who is more than enough. You see, where I end, there He is. Just because I’m not enough (and you’re not enough), it doesn’t mean we have to be more. He meets us in our lack and fills the gap.
While my anxieties still ravage me, I am reminded of the one who calms the sea. In the darkest of nights, I know where to find the light of the world. And while there are so very many ways in which I am not enough, there is nothing He cannot do.