Nicole Kropf

The past week has been unexpectedly hard and emotionally exhausting. My little man started Junior Kindergarten this year. On Monday night of last week, he started complaining of a sore tummy. He was irritable and clingy and was up multiple times through the night. We decided to keep him home Tuesday just in case he had a bug starting. He was feeling fine Tuesday so we sent him back to school Wednesday. Wednesday he came home – completely exhausted, crying, clingy, and again complaining of a sore tummy. He even got sick to his stomach once. By bedtime, he was back to himself again and woke up excited to head to school. He ended up being sent home complaining again of  a sore tummy. He was sick to his stomach again. So on his birthday – instead of having cake and icecream, I took him to get checked out by a Dr. I should mention that all week, we wondered – is he physically ill or is he having some school anxiety. This question had been making me feel sick. I spent all week worrying and wondering what to do. I cried a lot too. There is nothing worse for me than feeling helpless. Especially when I’m seeing my children struggling. So I felt like for my own mental health, we needed to see a doctor. The Dr. checked him out and decided that he was either dealing with a virus or possibly (and more likely) anxiety and sent us on our way saying that we should continue to send him to school. So Friday, off he went to school – still happy to go and excited for the day and again returning home crying, clingy, and complaining of a sore tummy. We thought that if it is anxiety he is dealing with, then he would likely feel better on the weekend when he was home. However, Saturday again he had a great morning but a rough afternoon. Sunday, we decided to head to the ball diamond for Daddy’s tournament and he had a really good morning, playing and running around and then again Sunday night started complaining about his tummy again. And again, here we are wondering – is this physical illness or is this anxiety?

First of all, you guys, I am a fairly independent person. I don’t usually ask for help…even when I probably should. This is the result of stubbornness paired with a desire to never be a burden to anyone. But this week was so hard on my boy – and so hard on me that I reached out and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Here’s the thing that really bothered me. People have this way of minimizing mental health issues. Yes -I think they are becoming less taboo to talk about. But I still think people have a tendency to downplay the seriousness of anxiety. First of all, let me explain – if anxiety is what we are seeing here – it has effected every aspect of our little boy’s life. He is not eating well, he is waking through the night, he is acting more aggressively toward his sister and us. Our sweet, normally very active, happy-go-lucky son spends his evenings wanting only to curl up on the couch and watch television, crying, rubbing his tummy, and begging mommy or daddy to just hold him. He has vomited on multiple occasions. And I have spent most of the week completely perplexed, and downright sad and frustrated. I have spent hours researching…trying to figure out how we can help our boy. I have spent hours crying because I feel helpless and like I’m failing as a mom because I don’t know what to do. I have beat myself up wondering how I could have better advocated for him when we first saw the doctor.

To be clear, this is not a simple case of butterflies.

If his symptoms continue into this week, we will be returning to the Dr. to be doubly sure there is not a physical reason for his symptoms. And if there is not a physical reason, I will be asking for referrals to someone who can help us navigate our buddy’s anxiety as well as to help me manage my own emotions. I’m writing this post for a few reasons – 1. I know that through social media, it can appear as if we are all just rocking this thing called life with not a worry in the world when in reality – life is kicking our butts. 2. I want people to stop minimizing what we (or anyone else managing their mental health) are experiencing. It’s very serious to us. 3. If we pull back from commitments or social outings – please understand it is to prioritize our family health. 4. To be honest. I want this blog to be a place where I can share the journeys life takes us through (good or bad) and my hope is that through sharing my heart – others will feel more able to share their own.

If any of you have had similar experiences, we’d love to hear anything that has helped for you. Everyone else, please continue to lift us up with your prayers and send us good vibes. And please support those around you who are hurting. Life has a way of really knocking the wind out of us sometimes. We all need our people.

Finally – I know that there are families dealing with much more serious issues and illnesses. And every single one of those families has my deepest love and my most heartfelt prayers. That being said, knowing that others are struggling too, doesn’t take away the pain of our own struggles. So if like us, you sometimes feel guilt over what you feel. Know that its okay to feel down when things are hard – even if you know other people have it harder. Hard is hard. Pain is pain. So feel what you feel. And don’t be afraid to give voice to the things that are normally only whispered in your mind.

Thanks to those of you who come alongside us.