Nicole Kropf

In a lot of ways, for a lot of us, love often hurts. I’m referring to all relationships – friendship, familial, and romantic relationships. Loving people requires us to put our hearts on the line. It involves opening up in a way that leaves us vulnerable. I am and have always been a very sensitive individual. Things that other people take in stride and never think about again, can bother me deeply. When I see someone hurting, I feel their hurt as my own. When I see someone breaking apart at the seams, it often feels like my world is coming unglued too. For a long time, I hated this about myself. It felt like a curse. I often wondered, “How can I ever be happy when there are so many hurting people and when I have little to no power to take away their pain?” I also found that comments or jokes that people made to me would really break me. I think one thing we all have in common is that we truly want to love but also to be loved in return. I did and often still struggle with continuously worrying what people really think about me.

On top of being sensitive and often overly concerned about others opinions of me, I also happen to be incredibly reflective and feel like I know myself very well. I have always been very bold about remaining true to myself. This tends to present a conflict – I want to be liked but I want to be liked for exactly who I am. I am someone who is unwilling to sacrifice pieces of my identity to better fit in. Over the years, this has caused me a lot of anxiety and has often left me feeling on the outside. Continuously trying to be my real authentic self but also caring immensely about being liked and accepted has caused me to lose a lot of sleep and to waste more energy than I’d like to admit replaying conversations and wondering how I came across or what I should have said differently.

Over the last year or so, I’ve really come to a place where I truly like who I am (most of the time) and I have started to recognize that the pieces of myself that previously felt like flaws could actually be gifts. In recent months, I’ve also decided that I need to continuously set my anxieties and insecurities aside and strive to get to know people and to love them as they are. If what I most long for is to be accepted wholly as I am, then it makes a lot of sense that this is an approach I should take to loving others. So I’ve really made this my mission – to be authentic and honest about who I am while caring for others with intent.

As I’m sure you can imagine, this is all easier said than done. First of all, not everyone is easy to love. For this reason, I probably fail more often than I get it right.  And secondly, not everyone receives love in the same way. Perhaps the greatest struggle for me is when someone whom I care deeply about does not respond to my genuine affection in a way that makes sense to me. When this happens, the old insecurities creep in and I question whether I’m liked or wanted. You see, I want to love people deeply, but never in a way that annoys them. I want to add value to their existence. Most recently, this very issue presented itself in a conversation with my husband. We were discussing certain people in our life and a simple thing I wanted to do to care for a practical need that they had. At first, he rejected my idea. Not because he doesn’t care about these people. But because he cares so deeply about me. He questioned whether I should continually pour into people who maybe didn’t value me or appreciate my actions the way he would and does. Bless his soul, Travis has my best interests at heart. He wants to see my soul filled to the brim with joy. He doesn’t want to see me hurt by the very people I’m trying so hard to love.

This created an opportunity for some interesting discussion. I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately that has encouraged the concept of extravagant love. When I think about what I have to offer this world or who I want my children to be – two main things come to mind – kindness and inclusiveness. My heart was built to love and to do so deeply. My little misfit soul longs for all people to have a place to belong and be accepted as they are. So in knowing this about myself, I have really been working on stepping outside of fear and caring for people no matter our differences and no matter the outcome. Obviously when we invest in someone, we hope it holds some weight – we hope that they appreciate whatever it is we have to offer them. However, I’ve learned a few other things too. One is that we can’t control how anyone else receives our love. Another is that everyone has experienced a million different things in their life that may be affecting their ability to show and receive affection. So often anothers’ reaction to me may in fact have very little to do with me and a lot to do with where they are coming from.

I guess I feel like I should love even when it hurts to do so. I should continue to care even when I’m confused by the responses I receive. This is because I truly believe in the power of kindness. I’m trying to trust that every little thing I do to show someone I care matters. It matters if I’m overcome with love in return and it matters if its met with indifference. I wholeheartedly believe that the greatest thing we can invest in is one another. Because of this, I am going to actively care for people whether or not they value me and appreciate the things I do and say. My sensitivity that once felt like a curse now feels like something that immediately connects me to others. My desire to be liked, now motivates me to like others. And my authenticity now serves as an opening for honest communication. Sometimes the very things that made us weak in the past are the things that make us the strongest going forward.

Will loving people mean that I experience hurts? Absolutely. Will my affection always be returned? Definitely not.  Am I going to succeed at acting lovingly toward everyone I encounter? Heck no! Is it still worth the attempt? Yes. Every single time. People matter. They are important whether they readily accept our affection or whether they push us away and put up walls. At the end of the day, the only thing separating us is fear. I’m tired of being controlled by my fear of being hurt. I’d rather be transformed by the power of love. I’d rather push for friendship than settle for acquaintance. Wouldn’t you? Can I encourage each of you to work on tearing down walls – be it your own or those built by others? Can I ask that you consider who is in your life that you might actively focus on caring for? Will you join me in trying to spread kindness like wildfire? The best one suited to love the people around you well, is you!

*If you like what you’ve read and feel motivated to love deeper, please go ahead and like and share below!*