Nicole Kropf

I’ve never been obsessed with celebrities and I think that professional athletes get more attention than they really deserve. That being said, I appreciate when people use their fame and fortune to invest in and care for people or causes that are dear to them. I think it is quite natural for each of us to crave a big life. That looks different for all of us, I’m sure. To some, it may be fame, to others success. Maybe its falling in love in a big way, starting a business, or even travelling the globe. Whatever it may be, I think we all have a hunger to live a big life. I know I did.

Before I started dating my husband, I dreamed of travelling the world, teaching in different countries. I envisioned caring for orphans and pouring into the lives of people from many cultures. This dream felt like a very real possibility. After all, I was in teacher’s college and single. I was perfectly set up to live my version of big. What I didn’t foresee was my close friendship developing into something deeper. I didn’t know that in a few short months, I’d fall head over heels in love with my best friend. My free heart would put down anchor and land me squarely in southwestern Ontario.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not lamenting my love! To the contrary, our relationship left me feeling like I was living a chick flick and before long my heart had developed new plans that my head quickly followed. My dreams changed. I finally admitted to myself some other desires that were written on my heart from a young age – desires that I had hidden away in fear that they’d never be a reality. These were desires to be a wife and a mom. So I packed up my dreams of a big life and embraced a wonderfully ordinary one.

It turned out that I was quite good at ordinary. I found so much joy in caring for and encouraging my husband. I invested in the things that brought him delight. That’s how I found myself somewhere I never expected to be – a paintball field. You see, my husband was a top athlete in the Canadian paintball scene and he coached a couple of junior teams also. Nervous about meeting so many new people in an unfamiliar setting, I did what any self-respecting wifey does and I baked up a storm – cookies, brownies, muffins. You name it, I made it! I figured that when in doubt, food is always a safe bet. Especially when it comes to men and teenage boys! Well, it worked! My tasty treats were the perfect opener with the teams and before long, I had several new friends and brothers.

These relationships awakened something in my heart. I couldn’t name it but I suddenly felt alive in a way I hadn’t before – almost like I was living a big life. The guys made me feel welcome. They seemed to like me completely as I was and I became a part of their teams. I started yelling bunker calls and cheering from the sidelines when they played and continued learning about them and building friendships during the downtime. We soon had our teams crashing at our place for practice and event weekends. I’d set my alarm early so that I could get up and make them a huge batch of pancakes. Apparently food is how I most easily share my love. But I digress, the point is that I found myself in my role on the sidelines of a paintball field and on the sidelines of many players lives. These boys and men became family and I adored each and every one of them. I could have gone on loving and doing life with them forever.

And then…I had a baby. Becoming a mom opened up entirely new parts of my heart. I found it easy to pour myself into motherhood. I lost hours just staring at this beautiful little life that we’d created. Parenting became my new normal. Everything I had was poured into my child. And I loved it – every utterly exhausted moment. Even the difficult times were ones I cherished – knowing how deeply blessed we were to have a precious son. It wasn’t until much later that I found some brokenness in motherhood too. I realized that while my entire life had changed – while I’d given up every passion I had to be the best mom I could, my husband’s life was mostly the same. Actually, his life was even more full! He still had all of his hobbies – so many sports! He had a job he enjoyed and he had a devoted wife and incredible little boy waiting for him at home. Suddenly there was something ugly tugging at my heart – something like quiet resentment.

Because motherhood was such a gift and something I genuinely loved, I tried to smother that little flare of anger that I felt. I didn’t understand it and it felt like a forbidden emotion – as if speaking it aloud would mean I didn’t love and appreciate my child, which I absolutely did! It wasn’t until after our second child that the tiny flicker of resentment became a full-fledged flame. Please understand that it wasn’t that my husband didn’t invest in us or care for us. He did – immensely. He was also just preoccupied with all of his other commitments. He didn’t deserve my resentment. But alas, there it was.

It took me awhile to realize that all of the anger I was feeling stemmed from fear. I sincerely valued the opportunity to have and care for my children and I truly believe that raising children is undeniably important work. I just didn’t want raising my children to be the only thing I offered the world. I feared living a small life. I loved my children so much that I lost myself in caring for them. I got lost in the very “big”, demanding role of mom.

When I realized that I was lost, I began the work of trying to find myself again. At the encouragement of a friend, I jumped into training for a half marathon. I figured I needed to do something to prove to myself that I could still do hard – seemingly impossible things. I hated every minute. Running, you see, is a solo sport. When you run, you are left alone in your thoughts. You alone determine the outcome. I’m glad I did it because I learned a lot through running. The number 1 lesson I learned, though, was that I was a team player at heart. During my half, it occurred to me I’d much rather be one of the people on the sideline cheering than a participant in the race. This would be the first key to finding myself again – that I’m a team player who longs to cheer.

A week after my half marathon, I had the opportunity to attend a women’s retreat with some absolutely incredible women from my church. This weekend allowed for a lot of relationship building through honest conversation, acceptance, and a million laughs. There were learning opportunities too, of course. For one of these, we focused on John 4:4-42. I won’t go through the whole story but of essential importance is the fact that Jesus chose to interact with a person who was both a Samaritan and a woman. She fit into two boxes that should have forbidden this interaction. It occurred to me that Jesus’ love broke a lot of rules. He didn’t care what separated him from others. He did not acknowledge the religious and societal boxes that defined life for most. He just loved. And did so well – wherever he was. My heart leaped for joy. It felt like God was telling me that I didn’t need to live a big life, I just needed to love big wherever I was. This was something I could do and something I wanted to do.

In June, I got my hands on a couple of beautiful encouraging books written by Bob Goff. They were entitled, “Love Does” and “Everybody, Always.” The premise for each was clear and simple. 1. Love is a verb – it does things. and 2. Who should we love? Everybody, always. Bob uses stories from his life to reflect on these main points and to challenge others to love like this also. These books were food to my hungry soul. They further reinforced the whisper within that told me that I was designed to love, care for, and cheer on the people in my life. They  made me want to run out the door and hug every person I saw. Don’t worry. I didn’t do that. I just started to put more thought and care into my interactions with people both in person and on social media forums.

Recently, I’ve found myself on the sideline once again. It’s really starting to become a theme in my life. This time it’s not a paintball field, it’s a baseball diamond. When my husband joined yet another team, my first response was frustration. And then I considered all of the learning I’d been doing about who I’m created to be. So I decided to tuck away my fears and insecurities and look at this as an opportunity to show up as I am and grow my circle of love. I did just that, armed with baked goods, of course. And guess what, connecting with this team has felt like coming home. In fact, one of my husband’s teammates has become one of my dearest friends in only a few short weeks. And the others, well, they’re alright too! Okay, they’re all pretty awesome.

All of this has shown me that not all of us are designed for a big life. We won’t all be the people shining on stage, owning the field, running massive life-altering companies, or operating world-changing charities. No. Some of us are called to the sidelines. We are best suited for encouraging. We come alive in cheering others on. We bake. We listen. And we genuinely care. We want everyone around us to succeed. And we want to build communities of love. We want to live lives that invite others to come as they are and just be loved. At least, I do.

Are you living a big life or have you found yourself on the real or metaphorical sidelines, like me? Maybe you’re not yet sure which sort of life you’re living. Maybe like I was, you’re a little lost. Can I encourage you to just start wherever you are? Start investing in the people around you. Start loving big even when your life feels small. Maybe, like me, you don’t need a big life. Maybe your heart just needs permission to love big in the life you’re currently living. If there’s one thing I’m certain of, it’s that love is the single best thing we can each give this world.